An Ode to Carrie Fisher

The word is out. Carrie Fisher died of a broken heart. The coroner recently released inconclusive autopsy results, but her daughter knew what he meant. She said about her mother, “she battled drug addiction and mental illness her entire life… she ultimately died of it.”

Just 4 days prior to her death Fisher had a major heart event on a plane ride from London to LA. Carrie’s heart broke physically through overindulgences and drugs, but what about her inner heart? Was that broken too?

She was unashamedly open about her struggles and never judged anyone else who struggled.  Her daughter continues, “she was purposefully open in all of her work about the social stigmas surrounding these diseases.”

I can’t help but wonder about Carrie. What did her real heart, her inner heart, need to say? Was it broken too? Our real heart speaks through the tiny inner voice that can sometimes be smothered by our inner judge.

We know that inner critic, the judge, so well; it’s quiet and unsuspicious in the background, but the messages are incessant. Sometimes that inner critic is loud, but mostly it just keeps feeding us lines about how things are supposed to be.

Seems like we sometimes hear our true calling and find bliss to follow, but most of the time it’s drowned out by the noisy judging layer.

Whichever one we listen to, that inner voice is directing our lives.

The big question is how to tell the difference. Here’s a news flash: You have to figure it out for yourself. You pay attention to the messages in your head and notice how those feelings trigger bodily sensations.

Remember, you are not your thoughts.

For me, if I catch myself explaining or making excuses for myself, or blaming someone else, then I know it’s my judge. I feel self-righteous and correct and invincible when I shift responsibility. And small. It makes me feel small.

But, if I feel my heart swell and I smile inside, then I know it’s my inner guidance system. Those feelings make me feel bigger. We all have to find our own signals based on how we feel.

If Carrie’s heart wanted something different for her – that’s something we’ll never know. Her inner voice (or was it a judge?) was only talking to Carrie. It was between the two of them.

The only inner voice and critical judge we can tune in to is our own. Carrie had hers, I have mine, you have yours.

It really makes me want to pay attention to what that voice in my head is saying (…are you a good witch, or a bad witch?). After all, it’s directing my life.


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